Maybe you’ve spotted it in a coffee shop. Or across a classroom. A wall of blue text: Someone typing out a near novel-length text message that left you wondering and worried about the person on the other end of it.
Is that conversation the beginning of a breakup? Are roommates confronting each other about whose turn it is to take out the trash, only to have it spill out into a litany of other quibbles? Is a child unleashing unfounded frustrations out on a parent?
Such texts aren’t all that uncommon, especially as younger generations grow up with the ability to communicate any way they want literally at their fingertips. But is texting a great way to actually have meaningful conversations?
Mostly no, but sometimes yes when you consider the boundaries of that specific relationship.
“I wouldn’t say it’s 100% of the time you should have that conversation in-person,” says Miranda Nadeau, a licensed psychologist. “But I think there are important considerations, if you are going to use text message that go beyond feeling nervous or avoidant.”
Yes, ‘it’s scary’ to confront someone in person. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
It’s intimidating to have potentially life-altering conversations in person. But it may also be the best way to respect the relationship.
“It’s scary to have a difficult conversation in person, even though it might be better for the relationship, to have that in person,” Nadeau says. “Generationally, and just over time as the world is changing and we’re increasingly using social media and text messaging, that’s likely going to happen for everyone.”
Text messaging might be appropriate, though, if there were issues of safety or if you wouldn’t get anywhere if you tried to have the conversation in person.
Whatever the situation, however, relationships require communication.
“A quick way for relationships to be tainted by misunderstandings, unmet needs and lack of alignment is to avoid speaking about our thoughts, feelings, goals, needs and boundaries,” writes Sara Kuburic, USA TODAY Millennial Therapist columnist. “Communication also breaks down when we don’t listen genuinely and understand what the other person has to say.”
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How to have a difficult conversation in-person
- If you do choose to have a daunting conversation in-person, definitely prepare. Make some notes about what you want to say. “We never express ourselves our most genuinely when we are in the heat of the moment, Nadeau says. “It really clouds our ability to express what we really need to.”
- Consider your most central message. Structure what you say based on the most important thing you wish to get across.
- Speak from a place of “I feel.” This way, you’re expressing your point and not putting the onus on someone else that they “made you feel” a certain way. This helps people feel less like they’re on the defensive and own your part in a two-way relationship.
- Pause, pause, pause. There’s no shame in slamming on the brakes in a tense moment. “If you start to feel overwhelmed or overstimulated, ask to take a break, saying, ‘I really want to be having this conversation with you. I need to sit down for about five minutes and drink some water,’ and then do that, and then return to the conversation,” Nadeau says.
- Name your boundaries. Lay it out at the outset if you only have 30 minutes to talk today, or if you only want to speak and not be interrupted. “Sometimes we think that if we love someone, we don’t need boundaries,” Kuburic adds. “The truth is that boundaries are the guide to help our relationship feel safe, intimate and fulfilling. Not setting boundaries makes resentment, hurt or burnout more likely. Setting boundaries is not enough; we also have to honor and respect those our partner has set.”
So before you send that wall of blue text, consider how tearing down your own walls might lead to fruitful in-person conversation. But – either way – communication in any form is better than none.
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