Would you ever put your partner on probation?
TikTok has recently helped to popularize the concept of “partner probation.” Somewhat related to the “three-month rule,” partner probation is seen as a last-ditch effort before divorce or breaking up. It is when one partner is given a period of time to mend their ways before it’s too late. (Think of it like a Performance Improvement Plan in a corporate setting, one TikToker explained.)
This phase gives wayward partners a chance to step up and prove their commitment. During this time period, which is often three-months long, couples can decide what is off-limits. Many couples choose to take sex off the table, while others might pull back on emotional labor on behalf of the partner in probation.
While some people swear a probationary period helped to save their relationship, as a relationship and sex therapist, I would caution against taking sex off the table. While it is fair and healthy to lay out your expectations and your non-negotiables in a relationship, I always cringe when people use sex as a negotiating tactic.
First, because once you stop having sex, it’s very easy to continue not having sex. If you hit the brakes on your intimacy, it’s going to take conscious and intentional effort to get those flames going again.
Second, sex is a mutual gift you share with each other. It shouldn’t be something that one person has to endure or that one person has to beg to receive. Your sex life is sacred, not a bartering tool to manipulate each other.
Lastly, without physical intimacy, emotional intimacy can suffer. When we take sex off the table, things like kissing, affection and cuddling often disappear as well. You lose that passionate connection with your partner and feel more distant than ever before. This will only make whatever issues that existed in your relationship prior to the probation worse than before.
Here is what I do love about the fact that partner probation is trending. It shows that people are giving focused awareness to their relationships and taking steps to advocate for their needs. If a clean house is a non-negotiable for you, you have the right to ask your partner to stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink.
But we have to go deeper than that. Beyond partner probation’ is a concept I like to call “intentional intimacy.” With intentional intimacy, you can still express your need for a clean house. But you do so with the intention of serving your intimacy first and foremost. So instead of thinking, “How can I get my partner to stop making our house messy?” you ask “What part of me is so triggered by dirty dishes in the sink? What part of me is asking for attention right now?”
As you get deeper into your trigger points, you will find that there is an invitation for growth in the issues that irritate you most in your relationship. Maybe underneath that urge for a clean house is a desire for perfection and control, a desire to look like the Instagram-worthy couple that you see on social media. This doesn’t mean that your partner is off-the-hook, but when you come from a place of curiosity and a desire to learn, rather than a desire to correct and control, you’re going to achieve so much more than just a clean sink.
The orgasm gap is real.But it can be fixed.
Dr. Laura Berman is a world-renowned sex, love and relationship therapist. She earned two masters degrees and a Ph.D. from New York University, and is New York Times best-selling author of nine books and an award-winning syndicated radio host. She currently hosts the popular love and sex advice podcast “The Language of Love.” You can find her on Facebook, Instagram and her website.
