Dr. Meghan Walls
I am in a unique position in my dual role as parent and pediatric psychologist.
Like most parents, I want to alleviate our children’s suffering by doing whatever I can. We hate to see our children worry and struggle. With the best of intentions, we think we are being helpful by trying to solve our kids’ problems for them.
As a pediatric psychologist, I know that taking this path often leads to our kids feeling more worried the next time something difficult happens. In fact, by solving our children’s problems for them, we interfere with our children’s ability to develop the effective coping mechanisms needed to deal with these challenges.
For example, if you let your child stay home from school on a day they have a test or had an argument with a friend, their brain gets the message that avoidance is the safest option, and they will likely feel more anxious and less equipped when this comes up again.
I’m a psychologist for trans kids.Why I have to leave Texas to keep doing my job.
Want your teen to feel happier?Less anxious? Get them off their phone and social media.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s recent Youth Risk Behavior Survey report illuminated a youth mental health crisis. Against this background, Nemours KidsHealth commissioned the national What’s Worrying America’s Kids survey of more than 500 youth, ages 9-13. These kids were asked in January about their frequency and sources of worry as well as their coping mechanisms.
The study found that more than a third of children worry at least once a week, with their tendency to worry progressing with age. Older children are more likely than their younger counterparts to report feeling like they will never stop worrying, with 48% of 13-year-olds vs. 22% for 9-year-olds reporting that feeling.
How to teach kids to solve their own problems
Although these findings may seem disheartening, the research also found that among the younger children polled – ages 9 to 11 – more than 75% say they turn first to their parents for information or advice, but that number dwindles to an average of 51% for 12- and 13-year-olds.
This shows that as parents and caregivers, we have a clear window of time when our kids are all ears, turning to us first for information and advice. It is our responsibility to leverage this opportunity to teach our kids the tools and coping mechanisms they need to grow into healthy young adults.
I like to compare parents and caregivers to scaffolding on buildings − it is our job to provide our kids with the support they need as we help them develop the tools to solve their problems. Being there, validating kids and talking with them while they face the hard stuff is what makes kids resilient.
Instead of solving problems for your kids, try the tips below:
- Know what worry looks like. Based on our survey, we know that kids feel worry through their thoughts but also through their bodies! Pay attention if your child has a stomachache or headache the same time daily; check in to see whether their emotions could be contributing to their physical feelings.
- Normalize worry. Let your kids know that it is normal to have worries and concerns. By normalizing worry, you can help your children feel more comfortable sitting with their worry and brainstorming ways to deal with it. Allow them to feel negative emotions without offering solutions.
- Validate feelings. Tell your kids you understand their worries and try to empathize with them. Do not brush off your kids’ worries by trying to push them aside. Show empathy and acceptance for how they feel, so kids feel comfortable continuing to share their thoughts and feelings. You can say something like, “It sounds like you’re really worried; I can understand why that test would make you feel that way. I’m here for you.”
- Ask kids what is on their minds. Encourage open dialogue and conversation. Ask open-ended questions and let kids share their thoughts. You can try something like, “What’s on your mind today?”
- Don’t be too quick to give advice. Ask questions to learn more about what your child is worried about. Don’t try to immediately offer advice, but instead instruct your child in the direction of what would make them feel better and talk through these ideas with your child. You can offer to brainstorm with them about solutions, especially with younger kids.
- Don’t always save the day. If your child forgets their lunch, or is worried about a sports tryout, don’t rescue them every time. It’s OK if they have to buy lunch that day or go to the tryout with butterflies! This helps kids by letting them experience very small difficulties and learn how to regulate around them.
As a parent, I know it feels hard not to immediately step in, but working with your children to develop these healthy coping skills will teach them how to deal with the regular worries and stresses of life and grow up to become healthy young adults.
Meghan Walls is a pediatric psychologist and the director of external affairs in Delaware Valley for Nemours Children’s Health, a member of the Delaware Early Childhood Council and co-chair of the Data and Policy Committee for the lieutenant Governor’s Behavioral Health Consortium.
