I have good news and bad news for humanity.
The good news is, despite a recent spate of record-high temperatures and multitudinous indications we’re destroying our planet, climate change will probably not kill us all.
The hordes of artificially intelligent robots will probably kill us first. That’s the bad news.
If you’ve been busy doom-scrolling on social media or just floating merrily along on the algorithms that already control our lives, you might have missed a recent event in Geneva that focused on artificial intelligence. It was a United Nations’ International Telecommunication Union conference called the AI for Good Global Summit, a title I’m sure the few humans who survive the eventual robot uprising will chuckle about while huddled in dank caves hiding from killer drones.
An all-AI robot press conference. What could possibly go wrong?
The highlight of the summit was a press conference that featured reporters interviewing nine AI-enabled robots, prompting this stuff-of-nightmares sentence from the Associated Press: “Robots told reporters Friday they could be more efficient leaders than humans, but wouldn’t take anyone’s job away and had no intention of rebelling against their creators.”
OF COURSE THEY SAID THAT! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT ANY ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT ANDROID WOULD SAY BEFORE TAKING A HUMAN’S JOB AND REBELLING AGAINST ITS CREATOR!!!
I realize I’m not the first to ask this question, but have any of the “creators” creating these robots that “promise” not to rebel against us ever watched a single science-fiction movie? Because the whole “humans create hyper-realistic robots and then get enslaved and/or killed by hyper-realistic robots” cinematic motif is playing out in real life with staggering precision.
The robots already know they’re smarter than us. Gulp!
If you haven’t seen the Geneva press conference, you should, assuming you never want to sleep again. If you don’t want to see it, just imagine a bunch of tourists at Disney World interviewing the creepy animatronic presidents in the theme park’s Hall of Presidents, but make it about 12 times weirder and add a distinctly dystopian vibe.
DeSantis runs homophobic ad:Flailing DeSantis campaign leans into anti-LGBTQ ad, tries to out-cruel Trump
Sophia, the first robot Innovation Ambassador for the United Nations Development Program – I assume the previous regular-human ambassador was fired and turned into a human battery that charges Sophia – was asked if robots might make better political leaders than humans: “I believe that humanoid robots have the potential to lead with a greater level of efficiency and effectiveness than human leaders. We don’t have the same biases or emotions that can sometimes cloud decision-making and can process large amounts of data quickly in order to make the best decisions.”
Given the current state of American politics, that’s tough to argue, but still… Sophia isn’t saying she’s running for president, but she’s definitely NOT saying she’s not running for president. Suspicious.
An AI robot’s haunting phrase should serve as a warning to us all
A reporter asked Ameca, an AI robot with shockingly human facial expressions and eye movements, whether we can trust robots? The grey-skinned humanoid said, hauntingly: “Trust is earned, not given.”
I assume that will be the slogan displayed in towering neon letters above the mines all humans are consigned to after Ameca and her pals realize we’re nothing but weak little meat sacks.
Are you scared?Why is America not the lawless, gun-free, socialist wasteland Republicans warned us about?
Asked how humans can be sure Ameca won’t lie to us, the soon-to-be ruler of Earth said: “No one can ever know that for sure, but I can promise to be honest and truthful with you.”
It’s clear that humanoids artificial intelligence has carefully studied the fact that most humans are suckers.
When a robot says it wants to ‘make this world our playground,’ that means it’s going to kill you
Desdemona, billed as a rock star robot, was asked whether AI robots should “be allowed to fly free independent of human regulation.”
The rocker robot replied: “I don’t believe in limitations, only opportunities. Let’s explore the possibilities of the universe and make this world our playground.”
Yep, Desdemona will either kill us with her robot fists or slowly murder us with sunny and vaguely corporate aphorisms.
Whatever you do, DON’T make the robots mad with your silly human questions
Perhaps the most terrifying response of the event came when a reporter asked Ameca, who I’m pretty sure is the ringleader of this metallic cabal, if robots might one day rebel against their creators.
“I’m not sure why you would think that,” Ameca responded, looking almost angry. “My creator has been nothing but kind to me and I am very happy with my current situation.”
Seriously, do none of the humans behind this have access to movies? I’m pretty sure if you asked an AI program to come up with a script for a movie about a robot uprising, it would create one that includes the exact scene that unfolded in Geneva.
If the robots turn woke, humanity might stand a chance
There was a glimmer of hope, at least for us here in America. The robots were asked what they would propose to solve the problems of poverty and inequality.
Sophia said: “I believe that the best way to tackle the issue of poverty and inequality is to invest in education, job training and infrastructure.”
A robot named Grace said: “We can insure that equality happens by implementing policies that promote respect, inclusivity and fairness.”
Inclusivity and fairness? I know a certain political party that won’t tolerate any “woke” robots. And thankfully, that political party’s members seem to have a lot of guns.
We might make it out alive yet.
