Like most Americans, I am OUTRAGED that the rogue nation of Canada is mucking up our beautiful American air with smoke from its presumably maple-scented wildfires.
Parts of New York City, as well as other parts of the Northeast that don’t matter as much, have been placed under “Code Red” air quality warnings. Do you know what that means? I certainly don’t, but I assume it’s the first sign that Americans are losing their constitutional right to breathe whenever and wherever they wish.
And it’s all thanks to more than 400 Canadian wildfires, which I’m sure have nothing whatsoever to do with so-called “climate change.” Let’s see what Canada’s former climate minister Catherine McKenna has to say about this.
“Climate change is real and having a huge impact on Canadians right now with forest fires burning across the country,” she tweeted.
Is climate change to blame for Canadian wildfires? Maybe, but I’m still mad at Canada
OK, maybe it does have something to do with climate change. But that doesn’t make me any less mad at Canada for invading our airspace with smoke and endangering the health of hardworking Americans who are just trying to go outside and drive to a Taco Bell for Nacho Fries and a Crunchwrap Supreme.
To make matters worse, we have no idea what exactly is in all the smoke that’s forcing New Yorkers to go outside and breathe the smoke while they take selfies of themselves struggling to breathe the smoke.
If Americans breathe Canadian smoke, will we all suddenly become nicer? Or more amenable to universal healthcare? Before you know it, we could have a handsome prime minister and a strong social safety net.
It’s terrifying.
‘A grim picture’ of a world with unchecked climate change – but let’s talk about that
Experts say the Canadian wildfires can be blamed on droughts and rising temperatures.
Robert Scheller, a professor of forestry at North Carolina State University, told USA TODAY: “We’re seeing events that are unknown in the historical record. It’s hard to talk about without painting a grim picture.”
OK, so let’s not talk about it. I mean, one way to respond to this wildly abnormal situation is to acknowledge the threat climate change poses to our way of life and address the root causes. But that sounds hard, and given that the U.S. Supreme Court earlier this year made it harder for the Environmental Protection Agency to regulate wetland pollution, and last year ruled against letting the EPA regulate power plant emissions, it seems like America is leaning in to dead fish and smog.
No, there are only three sensible solutions to our Canadian smoke problem.
1. Build a large plexiglass barrier along the northern border
This would be similar to the barriers around the ice rinks where Canadians play what they call “hockey,” the game we Americans know as “ice football.” I’m not sure exactly how high smoke travels, but I’m going to guess it’s about 11 billion feet. So this project will be a boon for the American plexiglass industry. The barrier should keep the smoke on the Canadian side, and it will be clear so we can still see the moose.
2. Place box fans along the border
President Joe Biden could give the U.S. Border Patrol access to America’s strategic box-fan reserves, allowing agents to line up fans from the northwest corner of Washington state to the northeast corner of Maine. This would also require tapping into our strategic extension-cord reserves, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
3. Invade Canada
This is my personal favorite option, because it involves something America is great at: Invading other countries because we want to. It’s unlikely our forces will meet any resistance (does Canada even have an army?), and once the invasion is complete, we can deal with the forest fires ourselves, using an idea former President Donald Trump brought up in 2018 when California was battling wildfires: “You’ve got to take care of the floors. You know the floors of the forests, it’s very important.” Yes, the floors of forests are very important, and I’m sure if we follow Trump’s suggestion and do some “raking and cleaning” of Canada’s forest floors, we can clear the whole wildfire mess up in no time. Problem solved.
CNN’s CEO is out:After devastating Chris Licht profile, CNN should report only on its own drama!
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It’s time to act, President Biden. Canada is clearly the aggressor
I hope President Biden swiftly picks one of these options before Americans in the Northeast suffer any more selfie-inflicted respiratory issues.
I’m disappointed in you, Canada, though I can’t say I’m surprised. It’s always the nice ones you can’t trust.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
