Is an apology an apology if no one else hears it?
Britney Spears is still waiting on a public apology from San Antonio Spurs rookie Victor Wembanyama and his security team after an incident at a Las Vegas casino went viral and made headlines last week.
The pop star claimed she was slapped by the director of the Spurs’ team security, Damian Smith, in an effort to protect the athlete when she got near him at a restaurant in Las Vegas with husband Sam Asghari. Police determined she inadvertently “hit herself in the face” after Smith pushed her hand off of Wembanyama. No charges will be filed, the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department confirmed to USA TODAY last week.
But the situation clearly rattled Spears, who has posted several times on social media since, expressing that she feels she was wronged and is owed a public expression of wrongdoing from the security guard.
“I did get an apology at my table 30 minutes later, but I have yet to receive a public apology,” Spears said in a video posted to social media in the aftermath of the incident.
She added in a written statement on social media that while the encounter is “super embarrassing to share with the world,” she wanted to share the experience “to urge people in the public eye to set an example and treat all people with respect.”
“I get swarmed by people all the time,” Spears wrote. “In fact, that night, I was swarmed by a group of at least 20 fans. My security team didn’t hit any of them.”
What kind of apology is Britney Spears owed?
If Spears got her apology, albeit privately, shouldn’t that be enough?
From a PR perspective, perhaps not. And there’s merit to a public figure hoping for a public apology, says Andrea Bonior, a clinical psychologist and host of the “Baggage Check: Mental Health Talk and Advice” podcast
“A celebrity like Britney Spears has lived her entire adult life with the intense scrutiny of the paparazzi and the media and intense fandom in the public eye,” Bonior tells USA TODAY. “So it makes sense that her identity feels somewhat inseparable from what the public thinks. And to the extent that she may have felt this was a humiliating incident, it probably would feel far more vindicating to her for the public to see an apology rather than for her to just get one in private.”
But a public apology isn’t always better. Some argue that it even weakens the sentiment, because it becomes more about saving face than making reparations.
“We can’t equate a public apology with accountability,” Laura Palumbo, communications director at the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, previously told USA TODAY. “Anytime a public figure is giving a public apology it is inevitably an opportunity to repair their own image. Despite what may be presented as sincerity and remorse in many ways these public facing apologies don’t focus on harmful behaviors and their impact and instead focus on humanizing the person who has caused harm.”
How to apologize meaningfully
Public or private, an apology has to be sincere to count, experts say. Therapist Sara Kuburic previously wrote for USA TODAY that the steps to make a proper apology include:
- Taking responsibility for making a mistake.
- Acknowledging that we have hurt someone.
- Validating their feelings.
- Expressing remorse.
- Being explicit about our desire to make amends.
- Asking what we can do to mend any relationship ruptures.
“It would also involve modifying our future behaviors. Change is the final ingredient,” Kuburic wrote, adding that “apologies are not a one size fits all. The intensity of the apology will reflect the intensity of the indiscretion.”
Contributing: Alia E. Dastagir
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