In the wake of another electoral shellacking centered on the issue of abortion rights – this time in Ohio – I propose the Republican Party release the following statement in an effort to help itself in any and all upcoming elections:
Hey there! It’s the Republican Party here, just popping in to let you know we are listening, we have heard you and we are now proudly pro-choice!
We realize this may come as a surprise, given our past support for draconian restrictions on women’s rights to make their own reproductive health decisions. But look, we were young then. We got swept up in some stuff, figured we knew everything and assumed we could establish an unbeatable patriarchal system insulated by gerrymandering and restrictions on voting rights.
Mistakes were made.
Ohio Issue 1 results: Voters decide not to make it harder to amend state constitution. Surprised us!
Ohio voters were asked this week to consider a ballot measure that would make it harder to amend the state constitution.
This was, effectively, a proxy battle over abortion (I know we said it wasn’t, but it totally was!), as there’s a vote coming in November over a proposed state constitutional amendment guaranteeing abortion rights.
After Roe v. Wade:Abortion activists are targeting state constitutions
We have to admit, the outcome was decisive, with 57% of Ohioans voting against the measure and about 43% voting for it. Dang it!
After that, it was clear we, as a party, needed to start asking ourselves some tough questions, like: “Why do voters keep telling us exactly what they want, and then, when we try to deny them what they want, they vote against us?”
And: “How come when we keep saying ‘We hear you loud and clear, voters, and that’s why we’re definitely going to strongly advocate for something you oppose,’ voters don’t vote for us?”
Well, after we read a Washington Post analysis that found “six statewide votes since last year, including Ohio’s, shows that in 500 of 510 counties, access to abortion outperformed President Biden’s 2020 results,” we realized something needs to change.
On Wednesday, our heroic MAGA-loving podcaster Steve Bannon said: “In modern American politics, these are blowouts.”
He also warned the issue might make it harder for Republicans to win, saying “there’s a lot of voices in the donor community and others saying, ‘Hey, you know, what are we doing here? Because these guys are a drag right now when we can’t afford it.’”
Conservative commentator Ann Coulter tweeted: “By the time Republicans notice states keep voting IN FAVOR of abortion, there will be no elected Republicans left.”
‘The 95 percent of the folks who vote in elections’
Maybe we should have listened to Republican Rep. Nancy Mace in June when she told The New York Times that our party is “not hearing from the rest of the electorate, the 95 percent of the folks who vote in elections. They’re hearing from the 5 percent who say, ‘You’re not Republican if you don’t want to ban abortions with no exceptions.’”
And maybe we should’ve considered the backlash that might come after we put enough conservative justices on the Supreme Court to make sure the federal right to abortion got struck down. WHOOPS! Did we do that?
Consider this message one big mea culpa on that one! It was shortsighted, and now that we see that decision might harm our unquenchable thirst for power, we humbly backtrack.
Besides, the Democrats made us do it! (Just kidding.)
DeSantis, hire me:Ron DeSantis, let me be your campaign manager. You need a woke liberal on your team!
Moving forward, please know that the Republican Party’s hip new slogan, aimed at attracting the youth vote, is: “Abortion! We’re totes OK with it!”
Anyhoo, here’s hoping we can all move on as a nation from this minor, multidecade political miscalculation that stands to make us politically irrelevant for years to come. We really didn’t read the room, and we also really wanted to control women. Who knew such a thing might backfire?
Please join us at the upcoming Republicans for Planned Parenthood convention, and please stop voting against us in dramatic and, frankly, scary numbers.
Sincerely,
Your pals at the Republican Party (My body, my choice!)
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
