You match with an attractive person on a dating app and exchange a few messages. Then, without warning, a dizzying daydream pops in your head. Walks on the beach together, picnic lunches, moonlit city strolls, all leading up to a whimsical wedding fantasy.
Too bad none of that is real. You might, in fact, be in a “delusionship.”
The term has popped up on TikTok and elsewhere, though in most cases psychologists aren’t too concerned about it. “We can all have our fantasies without pathologizing them,” says Raquel Martin, licensed clinical psychologist.
Still, pay attention if you find yourself spending too much time in fantasy land that it seeps into your reality.
Is a ‘delusionship’ harmless?
“Delusionships” are no big deal for most people, according to T. Joel Wade, professor of psychology at Bucknell University.
“Single folks often idealize potential partners prior to really knowing anything of substance about them,” Wade says. “It often is a first step in trying to form a relationship.”
This sweet dream can sour quickly, though. “If the delusionship is too idealized it can create problems in that it becomes hard, or virtually impossible, for the person of interest to ‘live up’ to the idealized image,” Wade adds. “So, no relationship occurs after the initial date or interaction. Also, there can be an initial problem of the person of focus not having reciprocal feelings, or feelings of the same degree.”
Those in relationships shouldn’t feel guilty if they daydream into “delusionships” with people other than their partners. It has nothing to do with commitment.
“One can be in a committed relationship but still find others attractive and fantasize about being with them, ” Wade says. “This can occur because the attraction systems – locating a potential partner, becoming attracted to a potential partner, committing to a potential partner – are somewhat independent of each other.”
Delusionships could actually help improve your current relationship if it makes you reaffirm your commitment to your current partner.
When a ‘delusionship’ becomes something more serious
There’s also the issue of infatuation turning into a more serious mental health condition.
“One of the biggest differences between infatuation and (a mental health issue) are time spent consumed with the other person in your thoughts and actions, length of time that the infatuation lasts, actions taken to sustain the infatuation, such as constantly looking at their social media, following them around, changing your lifestyle to have more access to them,” Martin says.
Consider these questions:
- Is this infatuation starting to impinge on other aspects of your life, like it’s all you talk about with friends and family?
- Is your productivity dipping because you’re so focused on your delusionship?
- Can you not sleep or eat because your obsession is taking over your life?
The short of it: Daydream as much as you want, but watch out before it turns into a waking nightmare.
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