Narcissistic relationships tend to follow common patterns − and relationships between narcissists and their children are no exception.
If you grew up in a family system headed by a narcissistic parent, mental health experts say it’s likely you fulfilled a specific role or archetype, such as the golden child, the scapegoat or the peacekeeper.
“In a narcissistic family system, every child exists for the narcissistic parents’ needs,” says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and author specializing in narcissism and narcissistic abuse. “The system’s about the narcissistic parent or parents, and every child is trying to find a way to get their attachment needs met in that system.”
As a result, she says, children of narcissists can fall into one or more roles. Though these roles vary in presentation, they have one thing in common: They’re all ways to cope with the psychological hardships of living with a narcissistic parent.
“In a narcissistic family system, kids aren’t given a mirror to get to know themselves. They’re given a mold to fit into,” says Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author specializing in narcissistic abuse. “Narcissistic parents don’t see their kids as their own sovereign individuals. Narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves.”
Were you a golden child or a scapegoat?
Two of the most common roles narcissists force their kids into are the golden child and the scapegoat.
As the name suggests, the golden child often gets treated as the apple of the narcissist’s eye. But it’s not out of love − it’s because this child has qualities the narcissist can leverage for attention and validation, also known as narcissistic supply.
“The golden child is held up as the epitome of perfection,” Cole says. “They’re usually good at something that the narcissistic parent values. They’re really smart. They get great grades. They get recognized at school. They’re an exceptional athlete. They’re really attractive. They tend to receive more attention and resources from the narcissistic parent. They literally get treated better than all the other siblings.”
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Getting heaps of praise from a narcissist may sound lucky, but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Durvasula says the golden child is at risk of becoming a narcissist themselves as a result of overindulgence as well as suffering survivor’s guilt for getting treated better than their siblings.
The opposite of the golden child is the scapegoat: a child who gets blamed for everything that goes wrong, including for things that are the narcissist’s fault.
A child can get scapegoated for a number of reasons, but usually it’s because they don’t fulfill the narcissist’s expectations in some way. For example, a narcissistic father may scapegoat a son who doesn’t have traditional masculine qualities valued by the narcissist, Durvasula says.
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“The scapegoat is the recipient often of the worst of the narcissistic parent,” Durvasula says. “A child may end up being the scapegoat because they don’t behave the way the parent wants. They don’t look the way the parent wants. They don’t hold interest the parent wants. They may not be what the parent wants.”
She adds scapegoats are at risk of a host of mental health issues, including complex trauma, anxiety, self-doubt and self-blame.
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Other roles in a narcissistic family
Cole and Durvasula say children of narcissists can fulfill several other roles as well. Here’s a few of them:
- The Truth Seer: “The truth-seeing child is the child that at some level gets this is not OK, and there’s a wisdom to this child,” Durvasula says. “This is a child who, because they see the truth, may try to soothe siblings.”
- The Invisible Child: “The invisible child is literally the child that is unseen,” Cole says. “It doesn’t matter if they’re doing well, if they’re not doing well, if they’re succeeding at school or failing at school, if they are engaging in positive or negative behaviors at home, they’re simply just not seen. They’re forgotten. They’re just completely overlooked.”
- The Peacekeeper: “This is the kid who is trying to minimize the conflict and the fighting in the family system, who is trying to keep the system running,” Durvasula says. “You can imagine for a kid like this, there can be a lot of anxiety.”
- The Adherent: “They’re a big fan of the narcissistic parent,” Durvasula says. “It almost feels cult-y. They’re totally bought into what this family is, even though no one’s being nice, even though everyone’s being mistreated. As all these siblings get into adulthood, (they) might be the person who says, ‘Don’t say that. This is our family. You shouldn’t say that.'”
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