I asked my 77-year-old dad what he thought the term “ghosting” meant in regards to dating. He laughed and looked at me, shaking his head, “Sweetie, I haven’t the faintest idea.”
There are two dictionary definitions of the word “ghosting.” One: a faint double image on a television screen or other display. And two: the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone suddenly and withdrawing from all communication. The second was added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary in 2017. Before then, the term, in relation to dating – or much else for that matter – didn’t have much of name.
When I explained this to my dad he looked puzzled. “But why would you just ignore someone like that?” he asked. “You kids with these phones these days, it really just allows you to do anything to other people.”
He’s right. Ghosting has not only become part of our vernacular but also is woven into each fiber of our dating life. You text someone asking for a date and they never respond? Ghosted. You start chatting with a person and never hear back from them again? Ghosted. You go on a few dates and things seem to be going well, and suddenly he’s MIA? Ghosted.
Ghosting isn’t just for online dating
Sadly, ghosting has also spilled over into career searches and work culture, as well as friendships and family relations.
When will we, as a society, decide that this cultural phenomenon is not really so phenomenal, and it’s time we reengaged with one another for a change?
As a young person having been ghosted up the wazoo, I think it is time to make that change. Let’s not allow this to continue.
Like I said, the term “ghosting” appeared in the dictionary in the late 2010s, and it’s most commonly talked about in relation to dating. In fact, a study in 2019 found that respondents had ghosted almost 30% of the people they had dated, and had been ghosted by 25% of dates themselves. In addition, roughly 75% of respondents said they believed that ghosting was an inappropriate way to end a relationship.
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Researchers, unsurprisingly, find that online behavior allows for disinhibition. We’re inclined to behave more freely online, via text, etc., than in person. I mean hey, ignoring someone’s text is so much better than having to tell them in person, right?
Not only is a large portion of the population taking part in ghosting in the dating world, we also see it within friendships and the workplace.
In one study from 2018, almost 40% of the participants said they had been ghosted by a friend. And studies show that people often feel just as hurt after being ghosted by a friend as they do after being ghosted by a romantic partner.
In the labor market, there are countless stories about employers ghosting applicants and never getting back to them. On the flip side, other stories highlight job seekers ghosting potential employers.
All of this ghosting, sheesh!
And we’ve all been there, right? A friend doesn’t text back, all you get is radio silence from the job you applied to – it hurts.
Do ghosters feel guilty? Pain of ghosting makes psychological sense
Given the human psyche, it makes sense. Essentially, four fundamental needs are threatened: your sense of belonging, of meaningful existence, of control and self-esteem, according to one study.
Psychologist Michelle Drouin explained in her TED Talk that ghosting hits at a great point of vulnerability: “Our desire to belong and be loved.” Ghosting is a strong indicator we could be losing someone, or something, we care about. That could be a romantic partner, a best friend or a job.
In addition, human beings “are wired to regulate their emotions partly through social cues from others,” according to psychologist Jennice Vilhauer. Our brains have evolved to have social monitoring systems that scan the environment so we know how to respond in social situations. Ghosting is the ultimate ambiguity – should you be worried? Is that girl you just went on a date with busy but will text you later? Did the employer get caught up and forget to call you back about an interview? Ghosting literally gives us no clue how to react. It deprives us of typical cues – especially those we would normally see face-to-face – and can allow us to feel out of control.
Ah, the times we live in.
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When will we start to think long and hard about this cultural phenomenon, and re-engage with others such that ghosting might be obsolete? It will take a big cultural shift, but anything is possible. It will take a true commitment to supporting one another and understanding how damaging ghosting can be to our brains and our intimate, human, connection with one another.
I hope one day I can say that ghosting is as unfamiliar to me as it was to my dad.
Annika Olson, who received her bachelor’s degree in Psychology and Economics from University of Massachusetts Amherst and two master’s in Psychology and Public Policy from Georgetown University, has served as an AmeriCorps member in rural New Mexico and is a fellow of the OpEd Project.
