Dr. Catalina Lawsin
In a world where some women are gaining more education and more high-profile jobs than ever before, many are enjoying more power. But that power doesn’t always trickle down into the rest of their lives and translate into satisfying sex. Even if it should. When a woman knows what brings her pleasure and communicates her desires, it leads to greater satisfaction and a desire for more sex. The same goes for men – the more arousing the experience, the more motivated our bodies become. So why is mutual sexual satisfaction so difficult to achieve?
Outdated gender roles are partially to blame. These societal expectations make it challenging for both women and men to feel confident and fully enjoy mind-blowing sex. But the good news, these issues are fixable.
Society may be to blame for your unhappy sex life, not your partner
Gender norms play a significant role both inside and outside the bedroom. Heterosexual men often feel that women hold all the cards when it comes to sex – they’re seen as the gatekeepers of sex − while women may feel it’s their place to surrender to their partners. Society has perpetuated these gender stereotypes; male pleasure is prioritized, and women are often still seen as objects of pleasure.
Want proof? Look no further than the orgasm gap: Heterosexual women have fewer orgasms than their male partners, while lesbian women do not. Interestingly, while lesbian women report having sex less often in long-term relationships, they’re equally satisfied. How do they achieve this? By expanding their sexual intimacy to include a variety of physical touch and emotional connections.
And these long-perpetuated gender roles don’t only negatively impact women’s sexual experience. Men, too, can feel pressured to perform, leading to performance anxiety and arousal issues.
So how can you disrupt these gender roles to make sex more enjoyable? The work starts outside of the bedroom.
The problem might not be in the bedroom after all
For women to fully enjoy sex, they must trust that they’ll be taken care of. This can be challenging when they spend most of their day planning, asserting themselves at work and coming home to assume the role of household manager.
Men can also struggle with being empathic, accepting and receptive to pleasure. But there are several ways you can foster equality in your relationship, which will lead to deeper intimacy and better sex.
Try things you can do to improve your sex life:
- Provide emotional nurturing. Go beyond just being available. Emotional nurturing involves actively listening, reflecting, asking questions that promote understanding and exploring your partner’s experience. By sharing, you both learn that expressing your emotions is welcome in your secure relationship.
- Switch household tasks to experience each other’s perspectives and comfort levels. Discuss how comfortable you both are with these tasks and what changes can be made to promote fairness and understanding.
- Take turns giving and receiving, in and out of the bedroom. Cook a meal for your partner and have them cook for you. Take turns giving each other massages. By heightening your awareness of both roles, you become more comfortable experiencing them.
- Expand your sexual repertoire. The stigma around more adventurous sex has decreased, making it a safe and consensual way to explore fantasies. Playing with power dynamics offers opportunities for exploration beyond everyday life while building trust.
- Embrace pleasure and equality. Pleasure is a fundamental human right that was long reserved for men. But, everyone deserves pleasure, and equality fosters deeper connection and intimacy. You get to decide how you want to play with power in your relationship. Remember, it’s about embracing your desires and nurturing each other to create the relationship you both desire, on your own terms.
Dr. Catalina Lawsin, PhD is a licensed psychologist who has been supporting sex and relationships for the past 23 years as a professor, researcher and clinician. Dr. Catalina offers support in her private practice, group programs and public talks. You can connect with Dr. Catalina @TheIntimacyDoc on TikTok, IG or TheIntimacyDoc.com
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