Experiencing a lower-than-ideal sex drive? While the idea of introducing books into the bedroom might not sound so sexy, it could help you unlock your libido.
An expert explains how and why you should get your head in the books for a better time between the sheets.
Lower sex drives are definitely not fun but extremely common. In fact, one in three women between the ages of 30 and 59 will experience a lower libido at some point in their lives.
Sex and relationship therapist Aleks Trkuljia, who runs the multidisciplinary mental health service The Pleasure Centre, says it’s the most common presentation she has in private practice. And while the stereotype may have us believe it affects women more than men, Trkuljia says that it isn’t limited by gender identity, sexual orientation or relationship status.
But with sex drives existing on a spectrum and no magical metric for assessing if you have a low libido, how can you know whether it’s time to try something new for your pleasure?
As someone who has experienced low libido within a relationship and didn’t know at the time, it was only until I gained distance from that relationship and had new sexual experiences that I realized my sex drive had been lacking.
Trkuljia says that the matter of libido is very subjective and that it’s unhelpful to compare to others.
Rather, she encourages individuals to look for significant changes in their own sexual functioning, or a lowered interest in sex and intimacy compared with what there once was.
And if you’re looking to reignite a flame that previously existed, it’s important to look at why it went out in the first place.
“It usually comes down to a shitty context,” says Trkuljia. “If you’re in a context where the quality of your relationship is high and there’s a sense of physical, spiritual and psychological safety, then you’re likely to be more open to a sense of desire and libido.”
While the state of your relationship is one area to look at when addressing low libido, there’s another unlikely tool that science says can aid in the process.
A 2016 study found that reading sexual self-help books and erotica had significant benefits for increased desire, arousal, ability to orgasm and overall sexual satisfaction for women, as well as reducing sex-related pain. Yay for science!
Erotic literature has certainly stood the test of time as a method for encouraging sexual desire. Or, it’s “been making people horny for millennia,” as Trkuljia puts it. The oldest example we have is an erotic monologue directed to an ancient Sumerian king dating back to around 2037 BC. If it’s fit for a king, it’s good enough for me!
“The reason why I think reading erotica is a wonderful way to prompt libido and desire is because it usually doesn’t have anything to do with screens, and it prompts your imagination and sense of fantasy,” says Trkuljia.
She also loves the versatility and complexity of the form of literature. “It can be a really lovely private thing or it can be something you share with others. It forces you to think about sexual dynamics and scenarios, [as] opposed to porn, which usually doesn’t have a narrative and is just sexually explicit.”
So where can an erotica virgin (like me) find good smut? Trkuljia recommends keyword searches such as ‘smut’, ‘romantasy’ or ‘erotica’ on TikTok, and checking out GoodReads to find suggestions and see what others have enjoyed.
But what about the perhaps less obviously sexy reading material of self-help books?
Trkuljia is a big proponent of encouraging people to read educational material for pleasure. Unlike erotica, which can be a solo activity, she encourages sharing your finds with your sexual partner (if you have one).
“If you’re reading a book that educates you around your sexuality, then your partner should too,” she says. This reduces the emotional labour of having to educate your partner in your desires and generally creates a safer context of understanding, she explains.
Ready to get your highlighter out? Trkuljia recommends Emily Nagoski’s Come as You Are, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s The Ethical Slut, Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity and Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score as good places to start.
That being said, books can have a significant impact on your libido, but they’re not a cure-all for a lower sex drive.
“Improve your context and you’ll be horny as f*ck,” Trkuljia advises. She points to Nagoski’s formula for desire as outlined in Come as You Are as a way to do so.
In true ‘taking it back to school’ fashion – reading and arithmetic! – Nagoski’s formula includes fostering a trifecta of high-affection (non-erotic touch such as kissing and cuddling), low-stress (taking the pressure of having penetrative sex and discussing with your partner how to reduce stress in your daily lives) and creating explicit eroticism (nudity, sexy sounds or words and being sexually stimulated).
That’s some algebra I can get behind.
