An Eagles fan I once knew said she was at a game, and a huge brawl broke out in the section directly behind her. She looked back at the commotion, noted it, took a sip of her drink and then quickly turned her attention back to the game.
Sounds about right. Nothing breaks the gaze of an Eagles fan on their guys. A nuke could go off and Eagles fans would wade through the hellfire like the Martians in “War of the Worlds”.
When walking through the parking lot once after a game, an Eagles fan said I looked like “a Wal-Mart Denzel Washington.” Bonus points for that.
Eagles fans have character, a high football IQ and foul mouths. This is why they rank high on the inaugural USA TODAY Sports tiered fan rankings. Prepare to be outraged.
Here at USA TODAY Sports, we love NFL fans. We love the Steelers fans who think they know football better than every other fan but still want to fire Mike Tomlin. The Cleveland fans who in the preseason shop for paper bags to put over their heads, knowing the inevitable. The Patriots fans who never shut up about Tom Brady. Everrrrrr.
We love you, too, Cardinals fans, you plucky losers. And you, Falcons fans, getting to that game 90 minutes late. And you, Bills fans, who managed to turn something as dumb as jumping onto tables into something cool. You silly billys.
And Giants and Jets fans who think all the universes revolve around you. They revolve around Ravens fans.
We love you all, which is why we are dedicating this special installment of fan rankings to you. As a token of our appreciation, we are dividing these rankings into tiers and will keep it as simple as possible, so even a Texans fan can understand it.
This type of high-caliber ranking system is rare, like the Cowboys making the playoffs, so soak it all in. This admittedly isn’t top-notch stuff, more like second place, something Bengals fans will totally get.
Due to the distraction of multiple felony indictments, you’re not getting my best effort. Also, things are tough out there in the real world, but NFL fans, we are here for you, and when our sun implodes in a billion years, forcing Brady to finally retire, humans will still be talking about these rankings.
By then, Eagles fans will be punching out aliens, and I’ll still love them.
TIER ONE: Deer Hunters
Browns: It’s easy to be a fan when you win a lot. Try being a fan when you lose all the time. Being a Browns fan is what it must feel like getting a grand jury subpoena, except every week. No fan base is more dedicated. No fan base fights through all the L’s with such ferocity.
Steelers: Knowledgeable, hard core and travels everywhere with the team. No base knows the sport better and they will tell you. Then tell you again. Then send you a text telling you. Then an email. Then call you. Then set up an automated calling system to tell you hourly.
Packers: Once, when I was covering a game at Lambeau, a colleague pointed to the stands, which were packed, because Lambeau is always packed, and there were thousands of fans wearing orange hunting jumpsuits. My colleague turned to me: “See those suits, Mike, each one represents a dead deer.”
There is no point to this story other than it makes me laugh each time I tell it.
TIER TWO: Order in the court
Seahawks: Good fans who watch football in one of the most beautiful venues in any sport. They also get incredibly loud. Like, the damn stadium shakes, and not because of Pete Carroll’s gum chewing.
Eagles: Only reason Eagles fans aren’t tier one is because fans used to get so sauced that there was a jail inside the old stadium. Can’t reward that type of shenanigans. Or should we?
Lions: See the Browns.
Ravens: A gritty, smart fan base in one of the best cities in America. I said it.
TIER THREE: Sonic boom
Saints: There were times covering games there where I literally could not hear what the person next to me was saying. Sounded like being inside a jet engine.
Raiders: Some of the most dedicated fans in all of sports. Once spoke to a Raiders fan, who was dressed as some sort of Raiders pirate, for some 10 minutes about the quality of officiating in the league. They know their stuff.
49ers: Fans refuse to stay solely in the glory days of Montana and Rice. They expect more. Good for them.
TIER FOUR: Let’s ride
Bills: Jump on tables in minus-400-degree weather. Enough said.
Broncos: Vastly underrated fan base that is already tiring of Russell Wilson. Totally get that. Respect. Broncos country, let’s ride.
TIER FIVE: Full Kupp
Commanders: The only thing in D.C. that unites Republicans and Democrats, Trekkers and Star Wars losers, good and evil, is the football team. With Dan Snyder gone, fans can finally root for their franchise without throwing up.
Bengals: Stuck with one of the traditionally worst owners in sports history, through the bad times, and by bad times, I mean end-of-days stuff. Being rewarded now and love to see it.
Rams: Cooper Kupp is the greatest fantasy player ever. Any fan base of Emperor Kupp, His Receiving Holiness Of All Things Route Tree, deserves automatic top five tier status.
TIER SIX: Purr-fect
Buccaneers: Fan base will be tested in the post-Brady era. The Yuccaneers might be back.
Panthers: Another beautiful stadium and the fan base is pretty good. I covered a lot of games there during the Cam Newton years and that place would explode. Plus, their mascot, Sir Purr (or is it Purrrr or So Purdy or Purrs in Boots), is awesome.
Colts: Loud stadium but fans are a tad front-runnery.
TIER SEVEN: Pool or the pond…the pond would be good for you
Jaguars: Admittedly, should be higher. When I worked in Jacksonville, found them to be some of the best fans in the league. But can’t have a pool or sauna or whatever the hell that is in the stadium. That’s not cool. At all. Pools and saunas should only be inside my house.
Titans: Meh.
Bears: Fan base has been a little sleepy lately but is waking up because of the electricity of quarterback Justin Fields.
Dolphins: One thing I love about this group is how the connection to the undefeated team crosses generations. That team remains so loved.
TIER EIGHT: Tomfoolery
Patriots: When Brady left, he took a lot of the fan energy with him.
Falcons: Kind of passionate, sometimes, a little bit.
Chargers: Okay fans, amazing fight song.
Vikings: That horn is cheesy.
TIER NINE: Mean Green
Cowboys: Massively overrated, massive front-runners.
Cardinals: Great stadium. That’s all I got.
Jets: I say this with love and as someone who has been to every stadium in the NFL multiple times: Jets fans are the meanest in the league, not Eagles fans. I. Said. It.
TIER 10: Stop the chop
Texans: Has anyone seen a Texans fan outside of their natural habitat? No? Me neither.
Giants: Only Cowboys fans are bigger front-runners.
Kansas City: The Tomahawk Chop lands you in last place.
We hope you enjoyed the fan-tiered rankings. This story is being submitted for the Golden Arches Delta Quadrant Story Award. We got this.
One last thing. At one Eagles game, I was seated in the front row of the press box, and the fans there are almost right up against the window. One fan, each time the Eagles scored, kept looking at me and air high-fiving me. I just smiled. He was the kindest dude.
These are the Eagles fans I know.
Signed,
Wal-Mart Denzel.
