Jonah Hill was in the news over the weekend, not because of a new movie or viral public comment. Instead, he was the focus of conversations around “therapy talk” and what it really means to use the word “boundaries” in your relationship.
According to The Washington Post, People and other outlets, Hill’s ex Sarah Brady, a surfer, shared series of text messages allegedly from Hill asking that she delete certain photos from her public-facing Instagram account and refrain from spending time with certain people to respect his relationship boundaries, among other things. USA TODAY has reached out to Brady and representatives for Hill for comment. Neither immediately responded to our inquiries.
The term “boundaries” can be tricky, mental health experts say. Used correctly, it can help a person communicate their needs. But more and more, people are reporting instances of the word being used to control others or excuse unkind or unfair behaviors. What happens when therapy terms are co-opted for other purposes?
“It’s important that we go over this misuse of therapy language,” therapist Jeff Guenther said in a TikTok video in response to the alleged text messages. “It masks controlling behavior under a commonly accepted positive concept, in this case ‘boundaries,’ making it harder for the person on the receiving end to challenge it.”
What is a boundary?
“A boundary is a healthy limit a person sets for themselves to protect their well-being and integrity,” Guenther explains. “It is a rule or guideline that one creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for others to behave toward them and how they’ll respond when someone passes those limits.”
Psychotherapist Sara Kuburic previously wrote for USA TODAY that “boundaries are not about setting ultimatums, gaining control or offering passive suggestions. Boundaries are about being clear about our needs, expectations and limits (what we are willing to tolerate or not).”
Guenther argues, “This is not an example of healthy boundary setting… Instead, it reflects an attempt at control” and a “lack of respect for (a partner’s) autonomy and individuality.”
‘I am not comfortable sexting,’‘One glass of wine is my limit.’ How to set relationship boundaries.
Therapy is helpful but doesn’t excuse negative behavior
Famed psychotherapist Esther Perel recently reflected on the dangers of the rise in “therapy speak” − how nuance is lost when a person tries to “elevate your personal comments and personal experience by invoking the higher authority of psychobabble.”
“The conversation about mental health − you know, that therapy is not for ‘the crazies’ − it actually has a lot of good in it,” she told Vanity Fair. “But there’s a paradox. There is such an emphasis on the ‘self-care’ aspect of it that is actually making us more isolated and more alone, because the focus is just on the self. The focus is not about the mutuality of relationships − the reciprocity, the way that you weave fabric, you know, between people who are relying on each other.”
Going to therapy and learning techniques to better communicate what you need in a relationship is positive, experts note. The problem arises when it stops at your own needs and disregards the other person’s.
While the messages being buzzed about on social media may not have been sent with malicious intent, marriage and family therapist Anita Chlipala highlights the importance of understanding the difference between boundaries and wants in a relationship, and above all, being respectful when discussing non-negotiables.
“People can absolutely misuse therapy speak and use it to control or gaslight their partner, or they may be unclear on the skill and so are misusing it,” Chlipala says. “Therapy speak may be becoming more common as more and more people are using therapy and learning about new concepts and practicing new skills. As with any skill or learning of a new concept, it can take some time to understand it and apply it appropriately.”
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