For those who’ve experienced a narcissistic relationship, one of the biggest challenges − more than even the gaslighting, devaluing and lack of empathy − can be accepting that a narcissistic personality style is extremely resistant to change. Once someone reaches the age of 25, experts say, their personality is pretty much set in stone.
But how does someone become a narcissist − and can anything be done to stop it? Mental health experts say the seeds get sowed in childhood, and even well-meaning parents can inadvertently raise a narcissist.
“Narcissism tends to develop in environments where there’s a mix of both overindulgence and under-indulgence,” Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author specializing in narcissistic abuse, says. “Typically it’s an overindulgence in focusing on status, money, appearance, how things look to others or just to focus on external achievements, and there’s an under-indulgence in teaching kids about compassion and empathy, really developing their sense of self and their self-esteem and connection to others.”
The three ways people become narcissists
According to mental health experts, there are three main ways children grow up to become narcissists:
- They are overindulged for their superficial attributes
- They are under-indulged for their emotions
- Or they experience trauma or abuse
Though these three things do not guarantee a child will become a narcissist − and many children who experience these challenges still grow up to be empathic adults − every narcissist likely experienced at least one of them as a kid, says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and author specializing in narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
The risk is even higher if a child experiences one of these three things and the child also happens to have a more difficult temperament.
“I have worked with many, many clients with narcissistic personalities over the years, and, when I’ve looked back, what I’ve seen is that they invariably had one of these origins,” she says. “There’s no two ways about it.”
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‘You are more special than everyone else’
Many may think spoiling a child is the only way to make them a narcissist; but, Durvasula says, overindulgence is more complicated than that. She describes it as valuing a child only for their superficial attributes − such as for their talents or looks − and thereby teaching them that these external qualities give them their worth.
Parents can also overindulge children by allowing them to throw temper tantrums without consequences, never allowing them to learn how to regulate emotional outbursts, as well as by teaching them that they are more special than others.
“Of course every parent thinks their kid is special, but everyone is special,” she says. “With a narcissistic-generating environment, it’s, ‘You’re better than everyone else. You are more special than everyone else.’ Almost like, ‘You’re the chosen one.’ That’s almost like the parent’s grandiosity being projected onto the child. That’s yet another path to narcissism.”
On the flip side, under-indulgence can undermine a child’s self-esteem and self-worth, instilling in them the deep insecurity that’s at the core of a narcissistic personality style.
Mental health counselor Catherine Del Toro says parents who value their kids’ achievements but devalue their feelings run the risk of raising narcissists, as do parents who remain emotionally distant or neglectful.
“Parents who are maybe not involved, who don’t take the time to talk to their kids, who are not present in their day-to-day, the child is more likely to develop this narcissism, because they’re craving that constant need for attention,” Del Toro says. “They’re craving that need for superiority, and so it’s important for us as parents to try to be as involved and present as possible with our kids.”
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Lastly, children who suffer abuse are at a higher risk of developing a myriad of mental health issues, as well as a narcissistic personality style.
“Emotional abuse can come from the home, but it can also come from other environments, like school,” Del Toro says. “If the kid’s being bullied at school, for example, that can lead to the development of narcissistic tendencies.”
I’m a parent. How can I keep my kid from becoming a narcissist?
Mental health experts offer the following guidance for parents to lower the odds their children will become narcissists:
- Model empathy: Kids learn from their parents; if parents act like narcissists, kids pick up on that, Durvasula says. “(Empathy) has to be infused in everything, every encounter your child sees you have, even how you cope with your own emotional difficulties.”
- Reward empathy: “Don’t value the child in a performative way only for achievement. You can certainly applaud their achievement,” Durvasula says, “but you have to show that same pride when they do something like play a sweet game with a younger sibling. We want to praise those behaviors.”
- Teach them to consider other people’s feelings: “This doesn’t have to be a really structured conversation,” Cole says. “It’s in everyday life. It’s when you’re watching a movie, you ask your kids, ‘Why do you think that character did that?’ Or, ‘How would you handle that situation?’ Or, ‘How do you think the other person felt in that moment?’ You want to help them grow up thinking about other people’s feelings, that other people have different perspectives than them and that what they do themselves can impact how someone else feels and how someone else thinks.”
- Foster your child’s authentic interests: “Allow your kid to cultivate the things they’re good at and celebrate that,” Durvasula says. “Your kid may not be the kid who wants to code but may be the kid who loves to bake a cake. Foster that. Celebrate those interests.”
- Be open with your feelings: Parents can also model how to regulate pain and disappointment − something narcissists struggle with. “It’s OK for your child to see you cry when you give it context and say, ‘I’m really sad, because I worked hard on something at work, and it’s all going to be OK, but sometimes grown ups get sad,’ ” Durvasula says. “It’s the most powerful thing a kid could see − but not that parent punching a fist through a wall.”
- Spend quality time: No matter how busy you are, make time for your kids, Del Toro says, adding that setting aside even just 15 or 20 minutes a day of quality, one-on-one time, or sitting down for a family dinner can make a difference.
Remember, the most important thing to teach a child is empathy.
“I honestly think, more than times tables and state capitals and coding, teaching children to be empathic adults, self-aware and also able to self-reflect on how they affect other people − that kind of capacity building could be the most essential thing we could do for children,” Durvasula says.
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