I am mad – mad I tell you! – about the new “Barbie” movie. My anger is palpable and is deeply rooted in several specific things, like Chinese propaganda, possibly, and also maybe something called “toxic femininity.”
I’m not exactly sure what these things have to do with the “Barbie” movie that premieres this weekend, but I know I will not be seeing the film because I must protect the daughter I don’t have from feminist indoctrination. DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND!
I have been told by noted cinema expert Republican U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz that director Greta Gerwig’s new movie about the classic Mattel toy is nothing less than “Chinese communist propaganda.”
How does he know that? Because there’s a cartoonish map shown in the movie, and that map has dashes on it, and then there’s something about China being on the map, and I don’t honestly understand the rest of it, but I know that’s all the information I need to be ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGED at this filth being pushed on me and the daughter I don’t have!!
I have not and will not see the probably dangerous ‘Barbie’ movie
And before one of you super-woke wokesters labels me sexist, I do have boys, and I would gladly take them to see “Barbie” if I wasn’t worried it would pollute their brains with vicious anti-man material. (And if they still spoke to me. The libs got to ‘em.)
I cannot confirm the movie’s male-bashing because I have not – and will not – see the movie. Neither has conservative British writer Douglas Murray, who said on Fox News’ “Outnumbered” this week, “You’ll be amazed to hear that I haven’t seen ‘Barbie’ the movie yet, and I’m not planing to” before criticizing the movie for promoting “toxic femininity.”
But I learned plenty about this dangerous film on Laura Ingraham’s Fox News show when contributor Raymond Arroyo said “Barbie” is “insidious because feminists are taking over a doll they never really liked in the first place and using it as a Trojan horse to teach girls, ‘Daddy is really a dummy or a domineering idiot.’”
NO WAY IN HELL I’M LETTING SOME SO-CALLED “MOVIE” TELL THE DAUGHTER I DON’T HAVE THAT HER DADDY IS A DUMMY! She would hear enough of that from the relatives who no longer invite me to Thanksgiving, if she existed.
Before you see ‘Oppenheimer’:The threat is real. Today’s nuclear weapons are much more powerful than Oppenheimer’s atomic bomb.
‘They don’t want real men’ like me!
Ingraham summed up what all the women involved in “Barbie” are probably up to: “They don’t want real men. I mean, they want pajama boys who sit around waiting for the government to send them a check, you know, as they get ready for their, you know, Pilates class in their, you know, leggings and wait for their next, you know, DoorDash order to come in. I mean … real men are a threat to them.”
BOOM! That’s some truth right there. I’d bet my government pension check, the pajamas I wear all day or my DoorDash DashPass that Ingraham’s right. Ever since Ken was introduced to the Barbie toy line in 1961, he has been a straight-up ALPHA MALE, clearly not some secondary, genital-lacking accessory.
How dare the “Barbie” movie that I haven’t see and won’t see make Ken look weak. I want my boys (the ones I do have) or my daughter (the one I don’t have) thinking a REAL MAN like me isn’t the best form of real manhoodness.
The ‘Barbie’ movie I won’t see deserves all of my attention right now
Real men make their own decisions based entirely on what people who say things they want to hear tell them to think. Real men devote hours of their lives bravely railing against movies about toys. Real men LOUDLY share their opinions on things they have not – and will not – see.
I’ll never know the true horror of this deeply offensive and dishonest “Barbie” movie that I’m not taking the daughter I don’t have to see. But I’ll tell you this much: I’ll never stop complaining non-specifically about how much damage “Barbie” has done, for various reasons, to our beloved American society.
At least not until the next movie about a toy comes out.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
