You’ve been on what feels like a million dates. Sometimes you’ll feel a connection… but it eventually ends in disappointment. You start to ask yourself: “Is there even a point in dating? Will I ever find love?”
It’s called dating burnout − and dating and relationship experts say it’s a common experience among those putting themselves out there, especially in the era of dating apps.
“Dating fatigue, dating burnout is totally normal, and I think it’s something that is becoming more and more prevalent,” relationship therapist Kimberly Moffit says.
Celebrity matchmaker and online dating expert Carmelia Ray says dating burnout might as well also be called “online dating fatigue,” given how the illusion of limitless options on dating apps can make people feel overwhelmed, especially if they’re on what seems like an endless cycle of fruitless first dates.
“To me, I think the definition of dating burnout is when, like a work burnout, you feel like you’ve exhausted all your options,” Ray says. “You’re doing everything you can. It just seems like everything you’re doing isn’t working, and so you just get fatigued.”
Dating sites can cause a number of problems
People can get burnt out for a number of reasons, from several unsatisfactory dates to running into the pitfalls of dating apps, like getting ghosted, flashpanned or catfished.
According to Ray, you can tell you’re experiencing burnout in your dating life when dates start to feel like chores, rather than as exciting opportunities. Dating should be fun, so if you feel yourself becoming negative, pessimistic or not putting effort into your dates, you’re probably burnt out.
“A tell sign if you’re experiencing dating burnout is when you’re lacking motivation, you’re not looking forward to the dates you’re going on, you’re not even looking forward to trying, and every date you go on, your mindset is that this is never going to work,” Ray says. “There’s just a lot of bitterness, a lot of resentment, a lot of blame, a lot of negativity.”
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‘The whole experience is just yucky’
This attitude can also carry mental health ramifications, worsening anxiety, depression and negative self-talk.
Moffit says daters can experience burnout out if they set unrealistic expectations on what they want their love lives to look like. When your love life doesn’t follow the strict timeline you had in mind, you’re more likely to get burnt out.
“The more specific their goals are, the more burnt out they can get,” Moffit says. “If somebody says, ‘OK, I’m 30 right now, and by the time I’m 35, I want to have a husband, kids, a dog, a picket fence’ − that type of pressure can really wind someone up and put them in a really anxious, depressed state.”
Why am I being ghosted?What am I doing wrong?
Burnt out? Don’t give up. Do this instead:
If you’re feeling dating burnout, Moffit and Ray offer the following tips.
- Focus on quality of dates, not quantity: “If you cast this really wide net, you’re going to be going on all these dates with people that you don’t necessarily connect with, which can then lead to burnout,” Moffit says. “So why not be more selective in who you choose?”
- See every date as a new opportunity: Even dates that don’t lead to love can still have value. “Every date you’re on is an opportunity to learn, an opportunity to grow, an opportunity to discover something for yourself, an opportunity to make someone else feel better,” Ray says.
- Get clear on your purpose in dating: Moffit says it’s easier to get burnt out if you aren’t sure what you’re looking for or if you’re relying on a relationship make your life meaningful.
- Take a break from dating if needed, but don’t give up: Sometimes hitting pause on dating to reset your attitude and get clear about your intentions can be valuable − just don’t throw in the towel because of burnout. “If you don’t start with the right attitude and believing that, at the end of the day, all of this hard work you’re doing will eventually get you to the right person, then you’re really dating dismally,” Ray says. “The way that you go into a situation is highly predictable of what that outcome’s going to be like.”
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