“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” “Why are you doing it that way?” “You always mess this up.”
If you’ve heard these phrases uttered by your significant other, you might be experiencing condescension in your relationship.
Therapists say condescending behavior can take many forms, ranging from subtle to outright rude. Examples include belittling comments, patronizing questions, frequent interruptions, eye-rolling, sarcasm and mean jokes.
“It’s more common than people think,” Sara Nasserzadeh, a social psychologist specializing in sexuality, relationships and intercultural fluency, says of condescending behavior, adding that, cumulatively, these actions can take a vast toll on a relationship. “It’s like a little chip away from the trust and respect that you have for your partner.”
No matter how it manifests, condescension can also wreak havoc on the recipient’s mental health, Kiaundra Jackson, a marriage and family therapist, says. Effects of frequent condescension can include increased anxiety and depression and a diminishment of one’s self-worth.
“When it’s a consistent pattern, and it’s done over and over again, it can definitely diminish the person’s mental health,” Jackson says. “It’ll make them second-guess themselves to the point where they can’t even trust their own ideas, their own thoughts, their own feelings, because they feel like, ‘Well, my partner says every time I do this, this is wrong, and so maybe they’re right.’ You get into that ideology of you not being the perfect person to even fulfill your own personal desires.”
How do I know if my partner is condescending?
The first step in addressing this behavior is knowing when it’s happening. If you’re unsure if you’re stuck in this dynamic, try asking yourself these questions:
- What does my partner say to me? The most common form condescension takes, Jackson says, is through words. “What someone says is very important,” she says. “If the interaction isn’t positive or if (you’re) not being uplifted in the conversation, that’s a red flag.”
- How does my partner speak to me? Sometimes how a person says something is more hurtful than what they’re saying. If you’re partner takes a patronizing tone or talks down to you, even while making a reasonable request, take note, Jackson says.
- How does my partner act around me? Condescension also happens nonverbally. For instance, if you catch them rolling their eyes when you express a concern, that can be a sign of condescension, Nasserzadeh says.
- How does my partner make me feel? Condescension can be subtle, so check in with how you feel after interacting with your partner. If you leave an interaction feeling belittled or less than, it may be a sign they’re mistreating you. “Typically, most of us are at least self-aware enough to know when something feels good or it doesn’t feel good,” Jackson says. “I just want people to pay attention to that internal knowing and how you feel after you do have a conversation or a disagreement with your partner.”
- How frequently does my partner do this? How often your partner condescends can clue you in to the severity of the behavior, marriage and family therapist Karina Hester says, adding that “repetition of behaviors” is “more damaging than a mistake.”
Most importantly, Nasserzadeh says, trust your intuition: “When you feel a poke is coming your way or a sign of disrespect is showing up, don’t ignore it.”
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My partner is condescending. What do I do?
Therapists agree it’s best to discuss this issue with your partner and let them know how their behavior is making you feel, so long as your relationship is not physically abusive and you are safe to do so. After all, your partner might not know how they’re coming across.
“In a healthy relationship, you listen to your partner, you take that criticism as a construction and you say, ‘Let’s work on this together,’ ” Hester says. ” ‘Let me know next time this is happening. I may not be aware of it.’ “
Jackson recommends waiting for an “opportune time when things are less heated,” rather than calling out the condescending behavior as it’s happening, since tensions can run high during these exchanges. Instead, she suggests waiting for a time when you and your partner are both relaxed, such as after dinner. Nasserzadeh encourages leading the conversation with “I” statements, such as, “I feel hurt” and “I feel belittled,” rather than taking an accusatory tone.
During the conversation, pay attention to how your partner reacts, Jackson says. If they get defensive or lash out, she says it might be “a situation where the person is unwilling to change, and you have to make a decision if this is a relationship … that you want to continue to subject yourself to.”
Nasserzadeh adds that this conversation can be an opportunity to set healthy boundaries. An example, she says, could be an agreement that neither partner will scroll on their phones while the other is speaking to them.
And of course, Jackson says, seeking help from a mental health professional, whether for individual or couples therapy, is “always a great option to explore.”
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