Yup, that’s Eva Longoria. She’s quite possibly down the end of her garden supervising the digging of a new pool. Or perhaps a bunker when the cast and crew of this unmitigated insult to the Hollywood film industry and to audiences can ride out the reviews.
Amazon Prime’s new War of the World’s adaptation currently sits with a very rare zero positive reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Last time I checked, it has scraped 2 stars from Amazon viewers, who seem to give almost everything on there around 4 stars.
But it’s not just getting comments like, “Terrible. Just Terrible. Terrible acting. Terrible special effects. Terrible storyline. The list goes on and on. I honestly haven’t watched something this bad in a long time.”
It’s the fact that Amazon has shamelessly, and without any attempt to hide what they are doing, done something even worse than just make a catastrophically bad film.
HG Wells’ 1897 story of evil aliens from Mars has inspired seven films, including Spielberg’s 2005 blockbuster with Tom Cruise, as well as a touring concert production. Orson Welles’ 1938 radio broadcast infamously started a panic due to its news reel-style format, with many listeners missing the opening disclaimer that it was a work of fiction.
Allegedly filmed way back in 2020, this latest effort from American music video and commercial director Rich Lee should also have a warning that not only is it risibly bad, it contains a climactic scene that may be the all-time low point of movie making.
The new version features Ice Cube as some sort of national security whizz, stuck in his office, monitoring the entire nation via feeds from surveillance cameras (and then mobile phones etc) – but mainly snooping on his family. Until meteors strike the Earth and disgorge the classic War of the Worlds metal alien carapaces on long legs. And everything from there onwards is viewed solely through his computer screen, frequently in low res shots that can’t hide how cheap it all is.
This time, they don’t want water or any natural resources, they want our….wait for it… data! Our only hope is to copy Independence Day and infect their computer systems. But do we heroically, suicidally fly up into the jaws of some terrifying mother ship?
Nope, not this time. I do not apologise for spoilers because I truly hope you won’t watch it, however it is kinda worth fast forwarding to the scene that damns it beyond all hope.
You see, The Cube needs to put the planet-saving virus on a thumb drive but doesn’t have one. Luckily, his daughter’s boyfriend is an Amazon Prime delivery guy, who wears an Amazon Prime uniform, because he works for Amazon Prime… Did you know this was an Amazon Prime film on Amazon Prime that also sells lots of things?
In case you didn’t, he suggests they order one on, you guessed it, and then Mr Ice does and our screen fills with the Amazon Prime pages and order forms step by step. But, wait! Time is short. Luckily, Amazon Prime also offers drone deliveries which we are told is “the future” of retail. And the world is saved.
Unfortunately, any credibility Amazon might aspire to as a respectable filmmaker will take a lot more saving. And everyone agrees. Apart from those ratings, the comments have been savage.
ScreenAnarchy called it, “Hilariously bad, until it becomes risibly ridiculous. … A 90-minute infomercial for Amazon.” Variety calls it “a feature-length commercial for all things Amazon.”
Major movie critic Jeremy Jahns told his five million subscribers, “There’s so many Amazon shout-outs it’s embarrassing.”
One viewer said: “Why was this film even remade? Did anyone on the team think it was going to be comparable to the last version? It’s just so, so bad from start to finish. Save the 90 minutes and literally watch anything else. I don’t even know how to describe it. Does not even resemble the novel by Wells or any version that was ever produced in another medium. Bad storyline, bad acting, bad cinematography. Just bad.”
Others said: “An insult to H. G Wells and our intelligence,” “Worst film i have ever watched, ” or “If I could give it zero I would have.”
I can’t even here, since we don’t have a zero star button. Don’t worry, though, Rotten Tomatoes has done it for all of us…