Buying a house last month made me cry.
No, it wasn’t because of the price or the high interest rates – although both were terrible. I cried because my father, who passed away two years ago, would’ve loved to be there for the moment. He loved being the family handyman. Fixing things was his love language.
This is only the second time in two years that I speak about him outside of my immediate family. And it dawned on me that it’s a little weird that some of my friends still don’t know about it, years later.
Talking through grief can be therapeutic for some, but it doesn’t come naturally to most. Our culture places a high value on resilience and working through tough times. There’s even an idiom for it: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” But when the “going” has been going on for too long, it’s time to reconsider tactics.
“It’s extremely common,” clinical social worker at Transcend Therapy Cecille Ahrens told me about avoidant behavior. “Avoidance is normal. I want to normalize that it’s not always like a pathological thing. It’s something that we do as humans to avoid future pain. It’s part of how we try to survive our environment … (And it only) becomes a problem when the avoidance becomes into other symptoms.”
Grief is impossible to avoid. But it’s normal to try.
Despite my best efforts at removing his pictures around the house, tucking away his favorite coffee mug and removing his name from my “favorites” contact list, it still hits me from time to time. Packing up my apartment and coming across his reading glasses or his work polo made my heart pounds against my chest and the back of my neck grow cold.
Grief can be non-linear and recovery times vary widely, but most of us know when we’re purposely ignoring something. Pushing the bad thoughts away allows me to focus on what’s in front of me even if it leaves my stomach feeling empty, yet heavy, simultaneously.
Are you avoiding your grief? Here’s how to know.
I’m not the only one going through grief. According to research from Gallup, nearly four in 10 adults globally aged 15 and older either endure significant depression or anxiety themselves or have a close friend or family member who suffers from it. Fifteen and older. Let’s pause there for a moment, because those are still formative years. And we can endure it for so long it can be hard to parse out yourself from the grief.
I was about 14 when my dad got his cancer diagnosis. Almost 20 years of avoidance changes you as a person.
“I think there are a lot of people out here walking around traumatized and they don’t realize it,” counseling psychologist T.M. Robinson-Mosley said. “And when this goes undiagnosed, or it goes on for years and years … I think it becomes something that’s character-based, and people start believing this is who they are, instead of this is what they experienced.”
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Self-awareness is enough for now
When I finally called my mother to tell her we got the house, it reminded me that she would do the trip to help me alone. I grew up watching her paint the wall corners with a brush while my dad used the roller. She would cut the tile while he mounted and grouted them. None of that would happen in my new home. And there’s no need to dwell on that.
“Family members and friends typically will recognize something is wrong before we do as individuals,” Mosley said. “The thing here that can be challenging is that we cannot manage or control what they do or if they access help… We can just be supportive and recognize when they are ready, that you will assist and support them.”
Being aware of this behavioral pattern is helpful in addressing it, but not before it’s time.
“They might be stuck in the awareness for a while. And that’s ‘OK.’ Meaning, that’s still an important part of change. And it’s not uncommon for people to know what they have to do and not follow through on it, because the knowledge of it is not enough. You have to feel these things, and you have to process these things,” Ahrens added.
The point of wanting to change will be different for everyone. Maybe by the time I have a housewarming party, I’ll be able to say out loud that I wish he was there, or maybe I’ll keep that to myself another year. In the meantime, self-awareness is enough.
This is one of those pains that you learn to live with; I don’t think it ever goes away.
Josh Rivera is a writer and USA TODAY’s Travel editor.
