Here’s what I learned after reading The Courage To Be Disliked (Image: Shania King-Soyza)
I’m not one for self-help books. As a true fantasy enthusiast, I like to escape deep into a new world where life is unpredictable, exciting and, most importantly, not mine. However, escaping reality to the comfort of those pages can do more harm than good, especially if one is not confronting one’s true problems — and a major problem of mine is people-pleasing.
According to a 2022 study by YouGov, 49% of adults in the UK have self-identified as people pleasers. This is characterised as the relentless urge to keep others happy, often to their own detriment. It can lead to burnout, anxiety and tension in relationships, gradually depleting their sense of self-worth.
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49% of adults in the UK have self-identified as people pleasers (Image: Shania King-Soyza)
I, for one, lack the ability to say no. I also have a gigantic fear of upsetting anyone, even at the cost of my own feelings, energy and time, and I care way too much for external validation.
It’s exhausting and my ability to be self-aware of my own behaviour and feelings is even more exhausting, especially as I’m stuck in my ways. So, I have decided to regain my power and learn my value without sinking back into a Stephen King horror to escape my need for change.
I would never have picked up a self-care book. I hate the basic rhetoric that the ‘grass is greener on the other side’ and that ‘when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade’ — like, we get it.
But on a random Saturday at a random petrol station on my way to the south-west of England, I encountered “the ten-million-copy bestseller” The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Initially, I scoffed at the sentiment, but the book insisted it could “change your life” and I remembered seeing this particular book going viral on TikTok, so I curiously picked up a copy.
What surprised me the most
The book is not an obnoxious guide that tells you you’re lazy or that there are magical steps you must follow to be happy or change your personality. It challenges your thoughts and perceptions in simple ways, while detailing the Adlerian philosophy (more on that below).
The Courage To Be Disliked follows a conversation between a philosopher and a person who goes by the name of ‘youth.’ The youth’s character acts as the devil’s advocate; he questions the philosopher in every way imaginable, whilst the philosopher guides them through the theory of needing to accept the idea of being disliked.
When you begin reading the book, it will take you on the journey of understanding Adlerian philosophy and how it differs from Freud’s. Adlerian philosophy is based on the idea that human behaviour is intentional and directed toward specific goals. At its heart, it highlights personal responsibility, the importance of social connection and the pursuit of a meaningful life.
What stood out is Adlerian psychology’s stance on trauma. A lot of people will associate their behaviour (such as people pleasing) with trauma but that is determinism. Alderian psychology will show you that it is “not the experience itself that matters but the meaning we assign to it”.
For example, take a person who was emotionally neglected by their parents during childhood. They never felt heard or valued and now, as an adult, they struggle with close relationships out of fear of rejection.
I normally dislike self-help books but this I couldn’t put down (Image: Shania King-Soyza)
Rather than staying stuck in victimhood, Adlerian psychology would encourage the capacity to choose new beliefs and behaviours. Essentially, trauma is “living in the past” and we must only live in the present — what matters is who we choose to be now and how we act.
Why you are a people pleaser
Within the book, the philosopher criticises the “universal desire to be recognised”. He turns to the youth and asks: “Being recognised by others is certainly something to be happy about. But it would be wrong to say that being recognised is absolutely necessary. For what does one seek recognition in the first place? Or, to put it more succinctly, why does one want to be praised by others?”
In short, people-pleasers follow a reward-and-punishment education. If you do something right for someone else you will be praised but if you do something wrong you will be punished, which leads to “mistaken lifestyle choices.”
Unconsciously, people-pleasers believe that “if I make others happy, I’ll be safe and accepted”. They create fear and anxiety around the idea of being disliked and alone but this breeds unhappiness, which should be unlearned.
You can now purchase the book on Amazon (Image: Amazon)
The philosopher advises: “You are not living to satisfy people’s expectations, and neither am I. It is not necessary to satisfy other people’s expectations.” The book continued: “If you are not living life for yourself then who is going to live it for you? You are only living your own life. When it comes to who you are living it for, of course it’s you.”
How to stop people-pleasing
The book details many steps on how to stop people pleasing, such as exploring and re-evaluating the importance of interpersonal relationships, confronting the imbalance of inferior and superior relationships and the need for community and self-value. However, the key terms that stood out were discarding other people’s ‘life tasks’ and learning to accept being disliked.
The philosopher highlights: “Intervening in other people’s tasks and taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship. If you are leading a life of worry and hardships, first learn the boundary of ‘from here on, that is my task’.”
This can be a physical task someone has asked you to do or, perhas more complicatedly, being responsible for others’ emotions. Let’s say you wanted to be a musician but your parents wanted you to be a doctor; the philosopher in the book states that coming to terms with the “emotion of the ‘not approving’ is your parents’ task, not yours”.
He went on to add: “All you can do with regard to your life is choose the best path you believe in.”
A clearer example and a very relatable scenario involves a boss who mistreats you and doesn’t acknowledge your efforts. The philosopher questions: “But is being acknowledged by your boss ‘work’ that you should think of as a top priority? It isn’t your job to be liked by people at the place of your work.”
He continued: “No matter how much your boss tries to vent his unreasonable anger at you, that is not your task. The unreasonable emotions are tasks for your boss to deal with himself.” Fundamentally, your task in that environment is to do the job you were hired for.
“If receiving praise is what one is after, one will have no choice but to adapt to that person’s yardstick, and put the brakes on one’s freedom,” says the philosopher, adding: “Freedom is being disliked by other people… It is proof that you are exercising your freedom, and living in freedom is a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.”
The Courage To Be Disliked is truly an eye-opening book. No matter how much you think you know, or feel stuck in your ways, the book will bring up something I guarantee you haven’t considered. Sometimes, you just need something or someone to plainly and bluntly call you out on your unwillingness to change. What hit home the most was learning that people-pleasing is the lack of free will and that, to achieve true freedom, one must gain the courage to be disliked.
Click here to purchase The Courage To Be Disliked on Amazon for £8.95 or on Kindle for £0.99.