It’s been a while since I had the opportunity to try some proper British food. Having now lived in the UK for more than a year after moving from New Zealand in 2024, the list of things I haven’t eaten is dwindling.
However, there is one thing I have been sadly lax in trying, and that is condiments. I have tried the absolute classics — HP Sauce is now a staple in my home. But when it comes to the slightly more off beat, I haven’t strayed far. That’s why this week, I decided it was time to get amongst three of the UK classics — Branston Pickle, Salad Cream and, as a bit of a wild card, Bisto gravy.
When I was deciding how I was going to carry out this taste test, I struggled with how I was going to serve these delicacies. My boyfriend informed me that ‘salad cream sandwiches’ are a thing, and the idea made my stomach turn so much that I almost gave up on the idea.
However, a quick google told me salad cream can also be used as a dipping sauce for chips. I know chips and gravy is good, so there it is. All three of these condiments will be placed in oven chips – a nice, neutral tasting carrier that (hopefully) won’t have my stomach churning.
The three sides will be ranked on smell, taste and texture as well as whether or not I would eat them again – all rankings are out of ten.
Bisto Gravy
This was first up because I feared if I left them then my little pot of gravy would cool and congeal. There wasn’t much of a smell to this one – perhaps a slight subtle undertone of a leather shop but not nearly as potent as I had thought.
As for the taste, my God, what a dream. I was immediately glad I tried this one first because I felt like it put me on the path for success.
It was absolutely delicious, salty, savoury and simple. I’ve always made my gravy from scratch, but this was so delicious I might just change my tune.
The texture was great too — I like that it’s customizable depending on how much water you add. Would I eat this again? Absolutely I would, in fact, I’d be happy to eat it every day until I die of sodium poisoning.
Bisto Gravy Granules were an easy 10/10 and I was tempted to drink the rest in the pot.
Salad Cream
I have looked at this almost every time I’ve been in the supermarket and been mystified by it. It’s such an ambiguous name and I’ve always been slightly threatened by it, but if this job has taught me anything it’s to face my fears and, most of the time, eat them.
It smelled vinegary as all hell, a real swipe to the nostrils with a slight undertone of BO. Not a promising start.
I dipped my chip, closed my eyes and went in. There was an initial punch of sweetness which I was not expecting but it was swiftly followed by an absolute kick in the head of vinegar that was so tangy it immediately made me feel a bit sweaty.
Maybe that’s why it smells a little like BO.
The actual taste was not that bad, despite its power. A little overwhelming, but I can see why people like it. As for texture, it’s just a thin mayonnaise really – nothing to write home about.
I think I would eat Salad Cream again, but definitely not as a dip for chips. Maybe I would put it on salad, as the name implies – but not if I had something better on offer. Overall, this was a 6/10.
Branston Pickle
This seems to be quite popular with Brits so I had high expectations. Right off the bat, this smells like fruit mince pies if they had been left out in the baking sun for weeks — extremely potent and fermented.
I dipped my chip and was shaken by the little chunks throughout the pickle which I couldn’t identify.
This texture was diabolical. I’ve never been a fan of chunks, and this was absolutely rammed with them. As for taste, it was pure vinegar with nothing else even whispered at. I got heartburn immediately and had to stop at one bite. I do not like this pickle one bit, which is a shame because I bought a whole jar.
Hopefully my flatmates like it. Because smell, taste and texture were all an insult to me, Branston Pickle gets a 0/10.
