A mum-of-four who was left suicidal after a campaign of abuse by a “charming” salesman she met in her twenties has shared her story to prevent others from going through the same thing. The woman, named as Louise, said her former partner, named as Matt, isolated her from her friends and family and, soon after they met, was in “full control of her”. Both of their names have been changed.
Louise, who is now in her 40s, said she wants to bring awareness to domestic abuse inflicted on women after the charity Refuge found that three women in England and Wales take their own lives each week after falling victim to the controlling and coercive behaviour.
“Now I look back, all the red flags were there, but I had never been around any abuse before,” she told The Mirror. “I didn’t know what was going on. He isolated me pretty quickly. He wanted me to move to his hometown which is three hours away … I had about half an hour to pack up a three-bedroom house.” After they moved in together, the pattern of abuse continued, and reached breaking point during a particularly violent altercation. “He threw bleach in my face and pushed me so hard I miscarried our child,” Louise said. “I haemorrhaged quite badly with our son, too, due to his abuse, but thankfully he’s here.”
She recounted how she lost touch with her friends and family and “wasn’t allowed to work” for seven years, with her controlling partner also not letting her have a bank account or a phone.
“After he had drugged and raped me, I was so badly hurt I was unable to walk for nearly a month,” she said. “My daughter was three years old and sleeping in a cot in our bedroom.
“A doctor told me it was the worst damage he’d seen to a private area and encouraged me to seek help from the police.”
Before working up the courage to get in touch with the authorities, Louise attempted to take her own life, something she said had been provoked by the campaign of emotional abuse her partner had waged alongside the physical.
“He didn’t call me by my name,” she said. “He called me fat and ugly and told me no one would ever want me … He was a big drinker and alcohol would change him. He would ask how many sexual partners I’d have and he was racist. He enjoyed putting me down.
“He took me to hospital [after the suicide attempt] and stayed with me, so even if I felt brave enough to speak out, I couldn’t because he was right there.”
When she finally went to the police, Matt was arrested and she was safeguarded, with a non-molestation order enforced against him. He was never charged with any offence, however, because the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) said they didn’t have enough evidence.
“I thought he would receive a punishment for what he did,” Louise said. “The lack of charges made him confident. He kept stalking me and saying he was sorry. I was living in his hometown surrounded by his family and friends, who thought he was an amazing person. They turned on me, so I didn’t feel safe.”
She decided to fight back after receiving a letter from his solicitor saying he wanted custody of their child, however. During the family court case, the judge said there was “far too much violence for him to even see his child in a contact centre”, according to Louise. Matt has continued to breach the now-permanent molestation order, she added, and she remains frustrated by the police’s refusal to take further action against him.
“[But] I want to say to anybody in my situation that there is life after abuse,” she said. “I am proof of that. I thought it was my fault and I wish I could tell my younger self that it wasn’t.
“The charity Refuge is amazing, they change women’s lives and they’re there for as long as you need them. There is help out there, so reach out and don’t ever think that you’re alone.”
Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247 for free, confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A live chat service is also available from 10am to 10pm, Monday to Friday, and from 10am to 6pm on weekends. For further information and advice, visit www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk. For support with tech-facilitated abuse, visit www.refugetechsafety.org.
Whatever you’re going through, you can call the Samaritans free at any time from any phone on 116 123. Lines are open 24 hours a day. You can also email jo@samaritans.org