“On the 16th July 2022, my life changed forever, in every single way imaginable. My world has been shattered into a million irreparable pieces, and no one can fix it or understand what I am going through.
“And there are absolutely no words to describe how I’m feeling – pain, sadness, heartbreak, they don’t even come close.
“So, when people ask – I just say I’m feeling okay. but the reality is I’m completely broken, my world has been destroyed, and time has stood still for me, yet everything around me seems to keep moving.
“It’s been two and a half years since Albie was taken from us, and believe me when I say, it does not get any easier. It’s like no one can see how broken I am and how broken my life is, forever.
“There will always be darkness within my life, behind every smile, or laugh and I feel guilty that I am still alive when Albie isn’t. I am not religious, and I do not believe in God but I have prayed more times that I can count – prayed that I could swap places with Albie.
“Albie is my entire life, he saved me when he came into this world, and I am devastated that I could not do the same for him.
“Everything I did was for Albie, I dedicated my life to him. I worked in the nursery he attended, and after the incident I could not return to work for around two years as there was just too much heartbreak in what it once was for us.
“I couldn’t t be around the other children, especially Albie’s friends as they would have asked me where he was. I have since returned to work and it is hard for me.
“There are some tributes to Albie, around the nursery, ‘Albie’s Buddy Bench’ and a plaque of a star is displayed on the wall, that has been bought for Albie. And every time I look at those tributes – I just crumble inside at the reality of mine and Albie’s life.
“I am so scared that I will start to forget his voice or the things he said. I have already forgotten his smell and how it felt to have his little hands on my face.
“I kept Albie’s clothes that were in the wash basket at the time he died and I never washed them, there is an item of his clothing that I keep close and I have smelt it so much over the past two and a half years that there is no smell left on it.
“And there will become a time in my life where other things will fade too, like my own memory, and then what will I do?
“It’s almost impossible to comprehend that I am never going to experience the world in the same way I did, now that Albie is not here. When I think ahead to my future – I just don’t see a time where I will be truly happy again, and that is a very scary thought. It is like I am just going through the motions waiting until I die.
“I am heartbroken that Albie’s baby brother will never get to meet him or play with him. Albie would have made the best big brother in the world. And it will be my promise to Albie, to keep his memory alive for as long as I remain on this earth.
“All day, every day, Albie is in my every thought, and there are still so many questions that will forever remain unanswered. Why you? Did you suffer? How could someone think that little of you that they would risk your life?
“Albie was just a baby, and he deserved so much more than this world gave him. I go to Albie’s grave most days, It’s become a huge part of my daily routine, I make sure it is tidy for him, I bring flowers, I clean Albies headstone and tell him I am sorry a million times over because these are the only things I can do for Albie now, this is the only way I know how to parent him.
“Each day the pain and despair continue, as it sinks in more and more that Albie is never coming back. Knowing I’ll never watch Albie play with his toys again or tuck him in his bed at night and I just think – this can’t be real; this can’t be our life Albie.
2You are only three and you had such a beautiful life ahead of you, you had so many things left to do and see. And it absolutely breaks me to think that you have had to be brave enough to experience something as harrowing as death at three-years old.
“It puts into perspective how close I am to death, and I no longer fear it. Before Albie was killed – I have never thought about death, but now it’s all I think about, and I am not scared of dying anymore.
“To everyone that hears this – Albie is just a name, but to me Albie was my reason to live, Albie was the voice who said “mummy, I love you”, Albie was the person I shared my life with, Albie is a brother, a grandson, a friend at nursery. Albie is everything to me and now he is not here because of someone else’s actions.
“Albie, you are my everything boy and I am your everything girl. The only thing that keeps me going is thinking that every new day is one day closer to me seeing you again.
“I love you endlessly my sunshine boy.”