Bagpuss, Princess Diana, Basil Fawlty, Maggie Thatcher, Ada Lovelace. No, this is not my fantasy dinner party guest list but some of the names put forward for the redesigned King Charles banknotes. Despite a steady decline in cash usage (or maybe because of it) the Bank of England has invited us rowdy lot to brainstorm ideas for the new notes. Perhaps inadvisably.
It is well known that the court of public opinion cannot be trusted. Lest we forget that time we named a £200 million polar research vessel Boaty McBoatface. Nevertheless, we have until the end of the month to submit ideas across themes like historical figures, nature, landmarks, and sport. The Bank wants something that symbolises the UK, resonates with the public, and doesn’t immediately trigger a culture war. No wonder they’ve outsourced the job.
Sir David Attenborough is perhaps the only figure we can all agree deserves the honour, but the Bank insists it will not represent living people on notes, except the King. So back to the drawing board.
Hmm, a dead person we universally adore… Freddie Mercury? Personally, I’d love to see him on a tenner with his tache, wig and mini skirt pushing a vacuum cleaner. Well it’s a more interesting option than the Clifton Suspension Bridge. Yawn.
Some suggestions have already stirred backlash. When the English bulldog was mooted it was promptly condemned by animal rights group PETA as a “national shame,” citing the breed’s inbred health issues.
Facing an impossible brief, here are my own controversial proposals. They won’t please everyone, but they do, I believe, represent 21st-century Britain.
- Paddington Bear, perched on the Sycamore Gap tree, munching on a Greggs’ sausage roll instead of his usual marmalade sandwich. Three icons in one. Britain’s favourite bear enjoying Britain’s favourite snack, atop Britain’s most-beloved stump.
- The demolished ruins of Captain Tom’s daughter’s spa complex. A symbol that encapsulates Britain’s entrepreneurial spirit, charity, hustle and hubris. Written on the note in delicate cursive: “Spend me wisely.”
- King Edward III, represented as his diamond geezer descendant Danny Dyer boshing a plate of bangers and mash. A nod to the sovereign’s sceptre and the greasy spoon.
- That rapper from Kneecap, worth bending the rules for because just imagine how much he would hate it.
So there’s my contribution, you’re welcome. If the Bank would like a personal consultation, you know where to find me.