From Meghan and Harry to Paul Hollywod & Gina Miller, all the people I didn’t miss on summer hols
COMING back from summer holiday is never much fun, with bills to pay, grass to mow and furry cheese to remove from the fridge – all before your first day back at work.
There is one other big downer. Abroad, we generally switch off from the news cycle and forget about the various creeps and chancers and gargoyles who pollute our public life.
Once back home, we are again assaulted by the politicians, the finger-waggers, the crooks, braggarts, self-publicists, shysters, posers and hypocrites who infest the public square and barge their way into our lives.
You will have plenty of candidates of your own but here are mine for that annual game of what I HAVEN’T missed on my summer hols.
Gina Miller, the Remainers’ very own Miss Snoots. Ill-shaven Richard Bacon, standing in for Piers Morgan on Good Morning Britain.
Katie Price and her (latest) facelift. The militant vegans who recently banned beef on campus at London’s Goldsmiths University.
Labour’s John McDonnell, busily plotting the overthrow of capitalism. Serial dumper Paul Hollywood, less than the full gentleman with his latest squeeze Summer Monteys-Fullam. What DO women see in him?
Bake Off’s Noel and Sandi, too. Stale as two old pittas.
Project Fear, which has gone into overdrive in recent days after the leak of (allegedly old) Government plans. Chris Packham, forever using his BBC presenting fame to promote his controversial views.
“Comedian” Seann Walsh, bragging about the marriage he wrecked.
Philip Hammond. Sally Davies, whose last act as Chief Medical Officer was to scold women for eating too many biscuits — and then complained when she was called “nannyish”.
Gary Lineker/Aleksandr Meerkat. Hard to tell them apart sometimes.
The new Strictly line-up. The People’s Vote loonies who are still contesting the result of the 2016 EU referendum.
Vogue, as “guest-edited” by you-know-who.
Weather forecasters who talk down to us. The Advertising Regulators who banned “gender- stereotypical” adverts for Volkswagen and Philadelphia. What happened to free speech?
Channel 4 News. Keira Knightley, who complains about the paparazzi but loves the publicity. The new Desert Island Discs. Sounds like Play School.
The Kardashians. All of them. Celebrity libel lawyers Schillings. Aggressive cyclists. Buskers who play inside London Underground trains. Irish PM Leo Varadkar and his teenager haircut.
Cold calls from India. Anna Soubry, the sometime Tory minister whose Change party is now registering, er, zero per cent on the poll-o-meters. No wonder her eyes are bulging.
Leftie memsahib Polly Toynbee, always sure to grasp the wrong end of a stick. Swindon railway station safety announcements telling you to “take care on the stairs”. EU bigshot Donald Tusk, still refusing to be sensible about Brexit.
Compulsory worship of women’s football. Climate change hypocrites Meghan and Harry. Gordon “f***ing” Ramsay. Need his language be quite so salty?
London mayor Sadiq Khan and his unisex pedestrian lights.
Commons Squeaker John Bercow, supposed to be impartial but plotting like mad to block Brexit. Twitter.
“Unexpected item in the bagging area”.
George Clooney and Wotsername, the Hollywood left-wingers who are so right-on that, it was reported yesterday, they have amassed a fortune of £410million.
Green MP Caroline Lucas, who deplores gender prejudice but says she wants an all-female Cabinet. Over-zealous sports fans who boo Aussie cricketers or call for football managers to be sacked after four matches.
Half-French Tory MP Dominic Grieve, lecturing us on TV rolling news from his villa in Brittany.
Nicola Sturgeon, agitating for another Scots independence referendum while refusing to accept the result of the Leave vote. Sir Keir Starmer, Labour frontbencher caught up in the Carl Beech scandal.
Dame Emma Thompson, second only to Meghan and Harry in jetting round the world to save the planet.
Songs of Praise and its doomed quest for controversy — it has just filmed a gay wedding. Four-wheel-drive cars that have plainly never seen mud.
Rentaqoute anti-Brexit has-beens Lord (Michael) Heseltine, Sir John Major and disgraced Sir Malcolm Rifkind.
Fancy-fruit ciders. Yuck. What’s wrong with apple? The “Supreme Court”, which just picked some more unknown judges to govern us. The McDonald’s corporate jingle.
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Northerner Steph McGovern, who has forgotten that she is meant to read the news, not make it.
Michael Vaughan, a great batsman in his day but an irritating commentator, so keen to be talked about that he slagged off England’s Jonny Bairstow before England won the World Cup. Bagpipes.
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