Birmingham’s long-running binmen strike is still unresolved – now the joke is that England have added another pile of rubbish to the backlog. In fairness, maybe rubbish is a bit harsh. Bazball has given us many more reasons to be cheerful than down in the dumps. But trash, bang wallop! India win the second Rothesay Test at Edgbaston by a mammoth 336 runs to level the series at 1-1.
When last man Brydon Carse holed out at 5.10pm, and England were dismissed for 271 with almost 28 overs remaining, it went against the grain of nearly all pre-match wisdom. India’s seamers collected 18 wickets on a pitch where England’s harvested only nine. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.
Defeat leaves England in ruins on the road to Lord’s for this week’s third instalment after their bowling attack was flogged to within an inch of seeing pink elephants. And with the honourable exceptions of Jamie Smith and Harry Brook, the batting unit failed to muster a single score of substance on a deck flatter than last night’s beer.
Heavy defeats are occupational hazards of the Bazball cult, and one almighty rinsing – even on a ground where India had never won a Test before – doesn’t make England a bad team overnight.
But seldom, even in their worst Ashes nightmares, have they been taken apart so comprehensively on home soil. Hats off to India: Without the world’s No.1-ranked Test bowler, Jasprit Bumrah, their skiddy quicks Akash Deep and Mohammed Siraj left England on skid row by reducing them to 84-5 and then 83-5.
In contrast, Ben Stokes’ hit-the-deck bowlers looked like they were purveying doughnuts on a strip of motorway when the ball went soft.
Let’s hear it for Smith, who added a defiant 88 off 99 balls, including four sixes and nine boundaries, to his unbeaten 184 in the first dig. His technique and clean striking of the ball is too good to be hidden down at No.7 in the order any longer.
Smith deserved to complete twin hundreds in the match and obviously fancied his chances after lifting Deep for two huge sixes before he perished going for a third in the same over.
Once he was eighth man out at 226, the last obstacle to India’s glory was removed. But elsewhere, with bat and ball, England’s problems ran deeper than Deep, including:
*Skipper Stokes opting to bowl first on a pancake-flat deck was a death wish to make Charles Bronson blush
*Shipping 1,014 runs in the Test, 430 of them to Indian captain Shubman Gill alone
*Spending another 234 overs in the field, which left the bowlers wiped out
*And five of the top six contributing just 129 runs in 10 innings between them
Rain delayed the final day’s start by 100 minutes, trimming England’s survival task by 10 overs, but they never looked like taking it the distance.
Ollie Pope chopped on in only the fourth over of the day, Harry Brook was beaten by Deep’s sharp break-back – far more extravagant movement than England’s bowlers ever enjoyed – and Stokes, whose game had looked in good order, was trapped LBW three balls before lunch.
By then, the writing was not only on the wall. It was trailed in plumes of smoke across the Birmingham skyline.